08 February 2011

And that's how it is

Many nights ago, I had a trash bag full of trash. EVER so full of trash. Trash largely of a nature of which we have spoken here before; namely, the trash of others which they are unable to trash. We will call it "füdtrash," received as it was in such vast quantity as to prohibit its total consumption or quartering. Warm was this füdtrash, and squishy.

Excepting one year of our married life, my husband and I have not taken trash to the corner in a marital trash can like a proper man and wife but rather have shared a dumpster with other families and/or institutions. This night occurred not in that year of propriety. Excepting occasional exigent trips to dumpsters, my husband takes out the trash like a proper man, but again, we speak not of a night of propriety. There were reasons for this: a long day of physical labor on his part, an overstuffing of trash bags on my part for which I did not wish to be reprimanded again, the loathing of Wifekind to ask Mankind to take out the trash.

This reprimandible overstuffing found my feeble self dragging my füdtrash along the ground from dwelling to dumpster. It found me propping my warm, overstuffed füdtrash against the dumpster while I opened the lid. It found me swinging my squishy füdtrash back and forth, putting that momentum paragraph from ninth grade science and the more memorable thingy on my teacher's desk to good use. It found me mustering strength for a final heave. It found my füdtrash arcing promisingly, then embarrassingly evacuating itself out the bottom of the misused bag all over the ground.

Alas. Alas.

Shared dumpster. Traffic in vicinity of shared dumpster guaranteed in morning (barring certain eschatological events, which history now shows did not occur). Ground thickly covered in warm füdtrash and distinctive, incriminating personal items. Basic human decency. My path was clear.

Thus did I run back to my dwelling and return to the scene of my crime with a plethora of bags. Bags for my hands, bags for my füdtrash, bags for my bags. And in the dark night, I felt along the ground for my trash. I gathered my trash to me. I picked up the fluttering Tootsie Roll wrappers and the greasy junk mail, the overnight diaper and the pineapple top, the off-brand Kleenices stiff with their ministry and the off-brand Gladware that broke when it fell out of my overstuffed freezer. Most of all, I gathered up my warm füdtrash. Out of the grass did I rake up with baggéd fingers my reconstituted potato flakes, my quivering gravy. Under the quarter moon did I gather my trash even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings. I put my trash in new bags, and did toss these understuffed bags easily into the dumpster. Verily, they floated above me like jellyfish on the wing.

My amiable consort, missing me at last, called to me from our dwelling, but I assured him all was well. I found a hose, and hooked it up, and sprayed the lingering füdtrash into a more considerate arrangement for the morning's sure traffic. I closed the dumpster. I walked home.

And through it all my heart quickened not, neither did my nose burn; yea, my soul was at peace: for no child wept, and no child tugged at me, and no child whined, and no child bickered, and no child needed to be nursed, and no child bled, and no child painted another's sweater, and no child frolicked in the litter box, and no child profaned his trousers, and no child consumed an ink cartridge, for every child slept and no child knew. Wherefore I devoted myself wholeheartedly to the task and completed it well and satisfactorily, free of panic, wrath, or interruption; and I went to sleep at once and in good cheer.


Untamed Shrew said...

Love it. Way to start the day, with a hearty chuckle. :D

Angela said...

Fantastic...oh the joy of work neither interrupted nor immediately negated by someone causing the carpets to be in need of steaming, or the plant to be repotted. Bonus points for implementation of the umlaut. "füdtrash"= sehr fantastich!

Elaine said...

"Kleenices" LOL!!

Rev. Thomas C. Messer, SSP said...

First, I hate when that happens!

Second, I am supremely confident that I have never heard a tale about taking out the trash so interesting and well told. You are an artist with the pen (or, keyboard), Rebekah, that's for sure.

Thanks for sharing - simply delightful! :)

HappyFox said...

That was awesome. Thank you.

Leah said...

I believe I shall never again hear another story of trash that will compare.

Marie said...


Was that KJV or NKJV?=)

Rebekah said...

I'm just glad all of you could share the wonder. :D I certainly haven't gotten over it.

Marie, what a question in a year ending in 11!

Gauntlets said...

I really think the title of this post should be, "What I did over my summer vacation."

And I'm dying to know: When you sprayed your fudtrash, did you have a spray nozzle? Or did you employ mega awesome thumb action?

Reb. Mary said...

>>free of panic, wrath, or interruption<<

I just wanted to repeat that glorious phrase :D

Emommy said...

Amazing--the telling, and the actual event. Thank you!

Emily Cook said...

Love it! It is amazing how we moms of many find tiny moments of mental peace! :)