Here's something that seems weird to me about babysitting/day care: the kids get attention paid directly, exclusively to them all the time. That's not how it works at home (mine, anyway). At home I spend as much time as possible picking up, cleaning up, cooking, doing laundry, and whatever else I can to keep this place operational as long as the kids are operational without my direct involvement. They usually kind of follow me around while I do these things and find things of their own to do in the same vicinity (I wear the baby or park her where I'm working). Eventually I get tired enough and/or they whine enough that I will sit down and read books to them for a while (I almost never "play"--I am a grownup, and they can knock down blocks without my help). Then I feed them something and we go back to our semi-interactive businesses for a while. This cycle repeats throughout the day.
A child care arrangement is designed solely around keeping children occupied/entertained. No adult there has to make supper or straighten the bedrooms or keep up with laundry. While I am very aware that it is my job to care for my children and teach them what they need to know, this does not mean that I spend every minute of our shared day crawling around on the floor and providing them with structured activities. My caring for them includes providing an acceptably livable house and decent meals, and that means they don't have my undivided attention all the time. I am always with them, but I am not always singularly engaged with them. I have more jobs here than just child care--thank goodness, because I (like many women and nearly all men) would go completely insane if talking to babies was all the day held for me.
The babies are not a Crock Pot, but they are definitely not a wok. They're more like a double boiler.
18 comments:
I rarely play either. One friend is directly involved with her kids all day, every day. She crawls on the floor with them. She shows them the "right" way to play with a toy and does not allow any deviation from the norm. She sees to it that they clean up one activity before starting another.
No wonder they can't leave her alone for 20 minutes when I call her on the phone. And no wonder she called it quits after only two kids.
My kids don't go to "daycare", but they are cared for by a retired couple from my church while I work. Betty "keeps" her own house while my kids are there, but I'm sure she takes frequent breaks to play with them or read to them, too.
I work M-F outside the home and my kids' need for sleep means that we have about an hour and a half between pick up time and bed time to do any feeding, bathing, playing, and/or cleaning in the evenings.
I do (My guilt at being away from them all day forces me to) tend to play with them or read to them or dance with them or color with them instead of doing whatever chore I *should* be doing. But, since they both have early bedtimes, I generally have an hour or two to clean/wash/cook between their bedtime and when Dad gets home. Our Saturdays kind of go like this: bible study, errands, naps (while mom starts cleaning/laundry), then alternating chores and playtime/adventures. Sundays are church and playing, period. No chores allowed. I notice, too, that in the days following me teaching my girls a new game or playing an old one with them, I'll hear my older daughter teaching my younger daughter some made up game... and, when I've had more patience with them, they have more patience with each other. Because, after all, they're imitating ME.
I guess my point is, I do play. I usually have to talk myself into it when they ask, but I'm always glad that I did.
I just posted a link to an article that seems to have some points in common with this post. (I think. I could be wrong though. :) It's about how French people train their children contrasted with how Americans often do.
Here's one line from it:
Yet the French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this.
Children need to learn to entertain themselves. Anyway. You can glean and learn something from anyone, I think.
(And of course, everything must be taken into account to fit within parents' structures, goals, and unique needs within their homes, as Moore Mama has said.)
It's good for kids to be given an example of work. I think the daycare model of attention focused on the children more or less constantly leads to kids thinking they are the center of everything and poor work habits. And not "playing" with your kids is probably just fine as long as you don't take the approach of one mom I knew who said to her daughter, "I'm your mother. I shouldn't have to play with you." Ouch! Probably wasn't said on her best day, but you know. The kid got over it, anyway.
Some of my tolerance for playing when they ask probably has to do with the facts that they are still very little and that I do have such limited time with them... but I found myself needing to come back and clarify that they are "given an example of work". They see Betty keeping house - deep cleaning the kitchen on Tuesdays and the bathroom on Fridays and making lunch/dinner and doing laundry and they see me cleaning (whatever I didn't get done during their naps) on Saturdays before we "Adventure" and they certainly know that Dad works all week. My 3YO can tell you that during the weekdays, he's at "Count Parts" (selling electrical supplies) and evenings and weekends, he's "Feeding Cows" (farming) and if you ask her why, it's "because he loves us"...
They are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves for short periods of time while I do something like load the dishwasher or assemble a cassarole, but they would rather be with *me*, so I try to time chores so that when they're awake, I'm doing something that they can help with or can be dropped in favor of playtime, if needed.
I haven't been able to have more than about a 5 minute phone conversation (unless they're both asleep) in about 3 years, though, Shrew. ;) The phone coming on is, apparently, the signal that The World Has Ended.
"the kids get attention paid directly, exclusively to them all the time"
Is that your experience with an actual daycare? If not, don't speculate and judge.
You judge what you have not experienced.
Oh, thank you, thank you! I worked in a day care for 2 years and hated that I was raising other people's children for them. I also hated that they never got to see real work, unless they were there at the end of the day when I picked up so I could go home as soon as they were all gone. But most importantly, there were times I was just plain bored with 18-24 month olds, and wished I could be getting something (anything) done at home. I do read and play with my children some, but definitely have had those guilt moments when I felt like I should be playing with them more instead of getting things done - this post really alleviated that bad mommy guilt! Thank you!!!
Anonymous: You just posted as I was posting :) and I just wanted to say that in my experience in two day cares, yes, that is what happens. During naps is when any cleaning, etc. got done for the most part and the only "work" I did was changing diapers and making sure they brushed their teeth while they were awake.
Au contraire, MM. I-80 is proof that you were bored enough to talk to me for a whole 30-ish minutes. :D
I certainly respect Rebekah's comments as her own reflection on the day to day grind. However, I guess I see this "play" as the very earliest building blocks of the education that I want our children to have. Do I play with them exclusively, of course not. Can they entertain themselves for two minutes (depends which day, which kid).
I realize that the older children are great to provide some of the structure that benefits the younger ones during play. I'm just not willing to give up the twinkle in the eye when a child discovers something "cool" through play every now and again. The older ones are turning out pretty self sufficient so I guess this is working out for our home.
I am sure rebekah sees plenty of "twinkle" being with her children all day regardless of if it happens while she's folding laundry. Her post was not one of judgement but one of explanation of why things have to be the way they are when you're a mom of many young children. It was a matter of fact recognition of the difference between a child's day in daycare where caretakers are paid to be in near constant play with a child ( I worked in a campus daycare in college) vs a child who knows he/ she is in a hard working family in which each member has duties and a place.
See, here's the funny thing, first Anon (may I call you Anon?): if I were picking my kids up from daycare and their daily report said Great day! Got supper all prepped and totally got that one closet under control! I would go all "I'm PAYING you clowns to take care of my kids, not spiffy up your fracking daycare center!" on their hineys. Like, so weird!
Shrew just sent me that article about France too. Weren't we all being made to feel guilty about how French chicks are skinny a few years ago?
As with most articles, I found parts that were helpful and parts that made me shudder. Don't forget to peruse "How Chinese Parents Are Superior," "Why Venezuelan Parents Are So Totally Way Better," and "Are U.S. Parents Complete Morons?"
MooreMama- I sincerely hope I did not come across as though I think it's undesirable to play with your children or that I think your children don't see you working enough! Heavens to Betsy, moms have enough guilt as it is! If you care enough to do things with them and write about it, then your children have a great mom!
Like I said, I could be wrong. It happens. Frequently. Shocking, I know. :P
pekoponian - I was extra defensive yesterday. I'm sorry.
Shrew - I think I was on either I-35 or 81 when we got to talk, and I didn't have any kids in the car, did I?
I thought the article had some good points too; I just want to know how everybody in France has it all figured out. :D
(MM--this post by definition intended to address the child-centric care scenario, not the homelife-centric care scenario. There are homes characterized by the former and care situations characterized by the latter, as your example demonstrates.)
I know, Rebekah. I was extra defensive on Monday, brought on by an "offhand" (read: backhanded, and pretty non-supportive) comment made by someone close to me who would seem to be .... someone whose opinion would matter to my immediate family.
I'm almost over it and apologize for allowing it to be projected all over your comment section.
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