23 February 2012
It's not a contest
Mere days before my first became my firstborn, the church organist sought to encourage me by telling me that, decades ago, she delivered her baby and showed up to play the Christmas Eve service the next night. This did encourage me. I stood up for my baby's baptism at church four days after her birth, and have never stopped wondering what could possibly have made me think I needed to do that.
Some of us bounce back faster than others, and that's great for them and their families. I bounce faster than I used to, but I've still never come close to winning the Bounce Back-Off. The reasons don't matter; what matters is knowing that after I've had a baby, I don't owe anybody but my baby anything. I really do have to get better. Nothing drives home the counterproductivity of pushing it and consequently costing the family more time and energy in momcare.
I do not have to entertain visitors, go to the store, go to church, clean behind the toilet, or carry around any sized person my health care provider has advised me against carrying around no matter how much that person (or anyone else) whines. I do not have to feel as good as my friend/sister/great aunt/gerbil/internet pseudo-acquaintance did three hours/weeks/months after her baby was born. It is lonely, sad, embarrassing, boring, and frustrating, and the house is a mess and everyone eats junk and the girls' hair looks like wrens' nests and these things make me feel even more terrible. But it's not a contest. Feed the baby and get better.
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Yes. :o) I think we are just crazy with our first born kids. Have to prove something? I don't know. Crazy. I went to a friends wedding and walked to the church a week after our first born was born. Nuts. I also love and held onto the fact that a Pastor once said before my last was born that by all rights a woman is close to death in labor and delivery....or something like that. So.....what in the world do we think we are doing not taking ourselves and letting others hold down the fort after a baby is born. Must be a bunch of prideful sinners is all I can figure. Take care of yourself!!!!
Yep. We did baptism when my daughter was 5 days old because the grandparents were coming then (daughter was born a bit later than expected). I will never do that again, no matter who's coming. And I will stay in my pajamas.
I do, however, envy the mother of one of our members who had nine children and didn't get out of bed for two weeks. (I'm assuming she actually got out of bed for hygiene needs and such.) If I had family close by, I'd like to give that a try!
This is such a good word, and you said it beautifully. When you've just had a baby, you Need to rest and heal. You're not being lazy, a slouch or anything like that. You need time to rest. Each person is different, so you don't need to think that at so many days, weeks, or months post-partum, I Should be doing such and such. My husband tries to tell new fathers this. He became adamant with me, after learning the hard way. He learned to keep telling me the same thing you said: Feed the baby and get better. That is your job right now. Thank you for saying it so well.
In those first few weeks after giving birth, I really try to judge a good day as accomplishing 1 thing. Today I will do 1 load of laundry. Today I will vacuum. Letting everything else go isn't easy, but at least I got 1 thing done.
I'm not post-partum anymore, but I still judge a good day by accomplishing 1 thing=)
When the girls' hair looks like wrens' nests... YES! That sums up what makes me want to get out of bed!=)
i'm only just discovering that i'm a relatively fast (not the fastest nor the slowest, you know) bouncer back. i didn't even know, though, until people kept telling me so. no competition, just the facts. but, i'm a terrible pregnant person. and from this side, there seems to also be a lot pressure on the pregnant woman to "decorate the nursery", "be ready", "keep working", "exercise mightily", "nest", "iron the curtains", etc. so, hey pregnant ladies: this is your year to rest.
Amen. I don't bounce. I thud. I have such a hard time finding a new normal. It is nearly a year later and I still have trouble getting my various acts together, and I only have two. I do not live in fear of another labor and delivery - I fear another postpartum adjustment. :shudder:
It always amuses me to hear women share their birth and recovery stories. I can't really think of anything more private or personalized than how we manage to get a very big thing through a, relatively speaking, smaller space. I consider my multiple efforts in this regard to be award winning, ribbon worthy, even prize provoking. However, I'm 100% sure my pre-during-post birth experience is of little instructional value or interest to others. Interestingly enough, there is also a pattern among the aged to compare their "leave taking" experiences, having released their loved ones from this life, as they adjust to widow/erhood. I guess the bottom line is that there is some value in telling others, "Look at me, I made it!" The only advice I give forth to young mothers (once I've reminded them that co-sleeping can lead to catastrophic events) is to smile politely and then disregard the advice of others - mom and baby will get it all figured out. Everyone else who wants something out of new mother can get in line, baby comes first.
It's shocking to me how quickly American women are supposed to "get over" giving birth. In Germany, they have a term called "bed-week" which is the week to 10 days a post-partum mother is EXPECTED to stay if not in bed, at least in privacy and rest with her baby 24/7.
I "bounce back" super fast....physically....Not emotionally. When #2 came along, I figured I was ok and within 2 days went shopping for diapers in Target, alone with both kiddos. I nearly passed out.
It can be deceptive, because you're not an invalid, but you are not ready to focus on anything except the baby. That's the way it's supposed to be. Otherwise, you could end up with a major case of post-partum crazies, like I did. I NEED the week in bed with the baby to adjust/establish nursing/sleep whenever possible/bond with the baby/cherish those first moments. Fourth time around, I will make that happen even if it means the three oldsters eat cereal and watch movies all week.
I never had experience growing up to learn anything about pregnancy/childbirth/pp except what I learned from text books (not much). So I figured you push the baby out, feel crappy for a day, and move on. You can imagine why I self induced serious pp depression on myself the first go round when 3 months later I still couldn't walk around the mall without feeling like I was crowning again. This 4th go round I felt the best yet, but here at 3 1/2 months pp I still find myself recovering, both physically and mentally. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone and not a completely pathetic loser for it...just a sinner. sigh. A weak pathetic sinner.
Sitting in the rocker with newborn child #3. Childless sister-in-law says, "So, do you just sit holding the baby all day?" So many different perspectives when it comes to life events.
Starck's Motherhood Prayers has a prayer for the Mother's Churching after being in "confinement" for six weeks. He doesn't elaborate too much on this period of confinement, but he indicates the mother probably spent a great deal of it in bed resting.
You're right it's not a contest. It IS individual. I don't feel bad that I'm in the middle of the pack. That's where I am in most things anyway.
My mom was one of those that you speak of. She had my brother on December 23 and then had the family over for Christmas Eve dinner the next day. Growing up, I marveled at the story (and wondered how I could ever do such a thing). Now I'm mostly appalled that the rest of my family would agree to be served by a 1-day pp woman with another child under 2.
Also, I was told by the comptroller at my place of employment when I was pregnant with my first (and at that time, planning to return to work) that she had her baby one evening and was back to work at 6:30 am the next day.
I guess it's great that some people can physically do it. I can't. But the biggest question in my mind is 'Why would you want to?' What was the point of having a baby? I want to soak up all the time I can with my babies. I'm on my third and I'm sad to say, probably my last baby. I'm not missing a minute of it.
My pride and pickiness would love it if I didn't need my MIL here cooking our meals and folding our laundry wrong, but I do, and I will enjoy the (broken) sleep while she affords me the ability to do so.
Susan
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