Gift Guide: What to give the children of people you don't like

Sometimes one is called upon to give a gift to a child of jerks. The child cannot be punished for its heritage, at least by you, before it reaches the age of majority. However, the parents can be made to suffer while the child is still made happy and even favorably inclined toward you, creating potential for greater mischief on your part later on. Here are some items which will accomplish this task.

1. Toys That Make Noise. Many such toys do not even have an off switch; these are ideal.

2. Toys That Require Batteries, particularly batteries in odd sizes or great quantity. An advantage of this category is that it often overlaps naturally with Toys That Make Noise.

3. Junk Toys from Oriental Trading or the party favor aisle of any store. These are sure to break after you take your leave of the family (make sure you leave fairly quickly; better yet, mail a whole bunch of these gifts in an unpadded envelope), requiring the parents to deal with a heartbroken child.

4. Toys To Which The Parents Have Some Objection. Are they hippies? Look no further than plastic. Republicans? "Made in China." Democrats? Dolls for girls, guns for anyone. Paleocons or Quakers? Military paraphernalia. Greenies? Items failing to describe themselves as vegan, made from recycled materials, AND cruelty-free. Misanthropes? Anything from Disney.

5. Foods To Which The Parents Have Some Objection. Nearly all parents have a hangup in one or many of the following categories: sugar, artificial colors/flavors, preservatives, "inorganic," processed, meat, dairy, gluten, soy, caffeine, refined carbohydrates, hydrogenated oils, Nestle Carnation. If you're not sure, pay attention to foods you see around the house and then pick something you've never seen. (Note: foods to which the child is actually sensitive or allergic must be avoided. This category applies to parental neuroses only, not child medical conditions.)

6. Latex balloons. Many people are unaware that in addition to having very short lives (see Junk Toys), helium-filled latex balloons require parents to be constantly retrieving "dropped" balloons from ceilings (no healthy child will permit a balloon to be tied around his wrist, as this ruins the fun; similarly, lengthening the string or anchoring the balloon will not be tolerated by respectable children). Balloons can make loud, sudden noises which frighten children, mothers, and grandfathers. Upon producing this noise, the balloon is also instantly transformed into a choking hazard. This gift is particularly apt for an unfavored house with a cat, as cats enjoy chewing the vomit-inducing ribbons to which helium balloons are typically tied.

7. Craft Kits For Foreign Hobbies. There is nothing parents detest like being hassled by a kid to help him with a project with which the parents are unfamiliar, unskilled, and/or uninterested.

8. Creative Items Normally Banned By The Household. Some starter ideas are glitter, markers, paint, or Play-Doh.

9. Organisms

10. Age-Inappropriate Items; particularly makeup, cologne, and other vanity cultivators for little girls.

11. Items Requiring Further Work Or Investment such as an empty tackle box, inflatable toys with no pump, a Wii game to a house with no Wii, or tap shoes for a girl who isn't in dance.

12. White Or Light-Colored Clothing. A child can and often will seriously mar a piece of clothing after only one wearing, particularly if given in combination with certain FTWTPHSO. This will cause a considerable amount of work for the mother as she tries to salvage it, an effort which will almost certainly be to no avail. The child will insist on wearing this irreversibly soiled piece of clothing from beloved you indefinitely.