Long ago and far away, in a
barely-remembered life, my husband and I were dog-shopping in a Humane Society.
Amidst the deafening din of frantically hopeful barking that echoed over the
concrete floor, we surveyed the hard-luck cases culled from the streets of St.
Louis.
All of the dogs had little notes on
their kennels, such as I am a gentle older
dog and I miss my owner, who had to go to the nursing home and couldn’t take me
along. I would love to be your new companion, or I am very affectionate and I love belly rubs!
The notes were all obviously
intended to be winsome, but since I’d spent some high school volunteer time at
a Humane Society, I knew that some of them required a little creative reading;
e.g., I want to be your only pet
(read: “I’ll eat your cat”); I would be a
wonderful addition to a home without children (read: “I’ll bite your babies”);
I would be a wonderful agility dog. I
respond well to lots of exercise and attention (read: “If I’m bored, I’ll
chew the furniture and herd your dinner guests); or I am loving and loyal but sometimes nervous, and I need someone who
will be patient with me (read: “I’ll pee on your floor every time the door
bell rings”).
In short, the good people at the Humane
Society recognize the power of words to shape our perception and treatment of
our fellow creatures. (And indeed the fellow creatures’ perceptions of
themselves, at least when the creatures happen to be human ones.)
Over the years, I’ve heard people that
I don’t even know very well say some startlingly harsh things about their kids,
sometimes in said kids’ hearing. Why do parents do this? Well…I know all too
well why parents do this. It can be so very hard, especially when one is frustrated
with a child, or embarrassed by his behavior, to bite one’s tongue.
As my children grow, I’ve become increasingly
convicted about how crucial it is to mind my words about them, especially (but
not only) in their hearing. Would I like it if my husband patted me on the head
whilst laughing to a buddy about how Wifey just never can seem to time the
meatloaf and the potatoes exactly right, etc., etc.? No? Then perhaps I should
think twice before telling tales in a condescending tone, even a fond one, as
Sonny stands by, all red ears.
Awhile back, I read something to
this effect in a veteran homeschooling mom’s reflections: I wish I’d talked less, and to fewer people, about my kids’ failings,
even when the kid wasn’t around to hear it. Now, everyone needs someone(s)
to talk to about the specific challenges presented at times by certain children,
particularly Difficult Children (Heck, some of us could use a regular support
group…), but that venue is most properly a)someone who cares for you and your
family, preferably someone who also loves your children, b)someone who is walking
(or has walked) a similar road and can offer helpful insights or much-needed empathy,
and/or sometimes c)a pastor, counselor, or other professional.
The venting venue—and this one isn’t
always easy for me to swallow back down—is not anyone and everyone at church
who sees you embarrassed for the umpteenth time by a behavior that you know
perfectly well that you have addressed to the best of any parent’s possible ability.
Grin (gritting your teeth as amiably as possible counts) and bear it; remove
the kid for whatever preplanned words or measures you need to take; save the
steam you need to blow off for your support system.
If the people at the Humane Society
can do so well at applying Luther’s catechetical explanation of the eighth commandment
to the furry four-footed crowd, then surely I can work a little harder at putting
the best possible construction on the dear little eternal neighbors entrusted
to my care.
And when I remember to do this, to
extend the same grace that I would like to receive, and indeed have received in
such abundance, I’m amazed at how thoroughly it lights up the kid’s face and
how instantly it puts us both back on the same team (imperfect, sinful beings
operating under God’s grace and forgiveness, ever striving to help each other bear
more fruit) again.
Try a few?
When the kid who “should be” too old
to need you to walk him to his Sunday school room interrupts your conversation
because he really does need you to walk him to his Sunday school room: “I’ll be
right back. Sometimes we still like to walk to Sunday school together” is just
so much better than, “*eyeroll, sigh*, hang on, I guess he can’t handle walking
down the hall by himself yet.”
When the kid who’s been told a
thousand times not to interrupt, interrupts for the thousand and oneth time, a
whispered reminder followed by a “Sorry, he’s just very excited to share” is
much more graceful for all involved than is a snappish, “Can’t you see that we’re
talking? What have I told you about interrupting?”
When the live wire who is
constitutionally unable to sit politely in a pew for long stretches has an
eyebrow-raisingly difficult Sunday (again): “Don’t you wish we still had that
kind of energy? This kid does so well when we give him a tough project; you
ought to see him sweep the garage.”
When your fumble-fingered, Velcro-shod
kid watches a younger friend (and younger friend’s mom) show off his lacing
skills: your kid will forever remember that you (whatever your private despair over
his motor skill delays) complimented the other kid, then hugged him and turned
the conversation briefly to something he did well (and didn’t make him practice
knots for half an hour after you got home).
I know this is all terribly obvious
but I wasn’t born clever and I have to keep learning and re-learning this stuff
as I go along. I still mess this up sometimes, but I’m trying to get better.
Fortunately, there are no shortages of opportunities to practice...
And remember, if you’ve got a kid,
like that tragic little Chihuahua mix at the pound, and in fact like most
toddlers at least at some point, who really does pee on the floor every time
the doorbell rings, just try to remind yourself: She is loving and personable.
She just needs someone to be patient with her when she gets a little nervous
and forgets herself. ;P
