04 December 2012

Shut those selfish jerks down.

Step 1: Read

All families with fewer than three children should be combined such that all the children be placed under the care of one set of parents. The other set of parents will be released from parental obligation.

Larger families are able to use resources more efficiently via economies of scale. Children in large families naturally learn better to share, to be patient and delay gratification, and to make good use of their time and resources. They are more independent and better problem solvers and initiative-takers. They develop stronger internal motivation and work ethics. They are less spoiled and indulged. In large families, the children's individual skills are cultivated, valued, and called upon for authentic tasks; they are true assets to the family and derive from this a sense of organic responsibility. Large families are more diverse and the children benefit from contact with siblings who have different gifts and interests. Children of large families also have more opportunities to acquire sensitivity to and serve the wide variety of needs to which they are exposed.

The parents who are not given the care of the children will be better able to serve society since their interests will not be divided. They may wish to devote themselves entirely to their previous extra-familial duties, which will enable them to contribute more to society since their assets will not go toward an inefficient model of family maintenance. Alternatively, they could provide foster care to or adopt groups of three or more children. Perhaps, drawing on their (albeit inadequate) parental experience, they could also seek part-time employment in an auxiliary capacity or volunteer for a [proper] family.

Some families are simply too small to benefit society. It is selfish of both parents and children of such families to insist upon existing autonomously. This insistence is stubborn, greedy, unneighborly, and sentimental. Any families with fewer than three children who do not want to be restructured should have more children.

Step 2: Multiply all numbers by 10. Replace family with congregation, children with parishioners, parents with pastors, and society with Our Beloved Synod.


pekoponian said...

Yeah. Those kids from micro families don't need their own parents. What would really be the most efficient thing would be to gather all the kids from those one or two kid families in a whole county or even metro area and raise them all in one big orphanage. I mean, obviously their parents didn't really want children since they didn't bother having enough of them, so let's go all out for efficiency. So what if parents have to drive farther for visitation. And then when people stop having children all together because it's too inconvenient to visit them at the orphanage, we can just close that too and our efficiency will reach its peak! We won't need parents anymore and soon thereafter we won't have any people either.

Let the reader understand.

Katie said...

Brilliant, R.

Adammo16 said...

I. Love. It. Reminds me a bit of A Modest Proposal (Swift), but much more practical and less cannibalistic.

Emommy said...

This gave me a nostalgic whiff of Lois Lowry's "The Giver," the society where all the children came from a few birth mothers who were sequestered as breeders; everyone else in society, did something "meaningful." It was clean, efficient, and utterly inhumane and unloving. Excellent post, Rebekah.