09 June 2011
Thou shalt not, and why wouldst thou anyway?
A lady of my acquaintance once told me that any time she started thinking she'd be happier with someone else's husband, she just reminded herself that he (whoever the "he" may have been at her moment of temptation) left his dirty socks all over the place.
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Shamefully, this is something I drag to confession nearly every week.
What is particularly revolting about this is that my husband is a good, Christian, pious man that I think most women would love to be married to.
It's not that I don't love him or realize he is a good guy. It's just that our life is so hard. Everyone seems to have it easier than we do. And I blame him for our life. I think if I married someone different, maybe my life wouldn't be so hard.
I know I need to stop blaming him for everything. Lord, forgive me. Lord, have mercy on me.
Anonymous,
I had some sound advice from a good friend of mine, and while it was in the context of life in general it most certainly applies to marriage.
She reminded me that everything comes in packages, and we can't pick or choose the positives and leave out the negatives to tailor a perfect package. Regarding the blessing of perpetual parturition, this meant/means for me that I can't do with my older kids what I see Mrs. Smith doing with hers, because I am simultaneously wrangling toddlers and either toting a nursling or nourishing a wee one internally. Or both. But I wouldn't trade my little blessings and all the exhaustion, so instead of envying Mrs. Smith I have to accept that this is what *I* can do with the family *I* have been given.
Similarly, my husband is the man he is, for all his particular faults and quirks. Another man would only have a different set! Besides which, when I realize the package of weirdnesses and pet sins my husband has to put up with in ME, well... I figure if there was such a man in existence I don't deserve him anyway, and being more perfect he wouldn't be able to sympathize with my sinful condition the way my sinner husband can and does.
Know that you are not alone. Our marriage and family have been through the wringer because of how my husband handled things. When I separated from him, I knew I was choosing to leave everything behind and risk a lot, and it sure did cross my mind whether his negligence and abuse gave me justification to leave him altogether. But no, it didn't. God expects me to be faithful to my husband even if he is not. We were separated for a month. Now going on two years later, I am so thankful God has helped me to be faithful.
It helps to remember that things come in packages, good and bad together. But beyond that, this is the man God gave to me. I wouldn't trade my children, why would I want to trade my husband? Practically speaking, I can't imagine starting the whole crazy ride over with someone else. I've invested too much into THIS marriage.
I too have wondered if my life would have been easier had I married someone else. Impossible to say, of course, but the fact is I didn't. And if I had, I would have missed out on all the important things I've learned. I have been so humbled and gained wisdom and patience, self-awareness, and a greater compassion. Because I realize more what a worm *I* am and how blessed I am.
It's rough. Satan works so hard to mess with your marriage. I pray God will grant you peace with your struggle.
Anon, I'm sorry for your trouble. :(
"He" is actually my husband, though the number of socks left around has dropped dramatically in the last 5 years of marriage. I don't take full credit for that. :) And I love him lots anyway. :)
:D
This is good advice for anything, really. Someone else's kid will miss the toilet, someone else's hair will look terrible on a hot summer afternoon, someone else's car will need new tires right after it's paid off ...
As Dr. Laura has said (sorry for the paraphrase) "Women think their problems will be solved by changing the pair of pants but the same skirt will still be in the room."
Anon-your life is not hard because of your husband (unless he is sinning against you or your family in some serious way-which judging by your description he is not), it is hard and messed up because of SIN. The state of being lacking, of hurting, going hungry, being in want...all of that is the affects of sin. And what was the very first response to sin?...sigh...to blame one's spouse. When, in reality our new state of being was introduced by that bastard satan, who slithered in and then just as quickly slithered out so that husband could turn against wife and wife against husband. Lord Have Mercy Indeed! I pray that tonight you find not only absolution in your repentance, but a renewed love for your dear spouse in the knowledge that the two of you will only find peace and joy in Christ...not by escaping the very one God has given you to show Himself to you, but by loving each other with all your hearts and serving each other as for the Lord.
Thank you ladies. . .
Good discussion my dears. Thoughts I have had through the years.
We think the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence but what really is happening, sin (thank you Melrose for reminder of obvious), is that said man person was nice to us? So....we equate nice as attractive. Well....there in lies the lie of Satan. We find the 'nice' attractive. Yes. Repent and you ARE forgiven even now.
Funny experiment I ran on my dear husband which has been a source of amusement and now a mutual source of entertainment in public places. Beginning with, we do not always have a stellar relationship and I am prone to sin myself (duh). Well, I thought it would be amusing to text dear husband a *tease* (figure it out...) and low and behold he was amused, bemused etc....cough, cough. Texting and emailing the *tease*, even though many would have put us in the court house, has had an interesting effect of the boy - duh again.
I was talking with a friend on Sunday at a party and she has had similar marriage stress so I told her to text her husband and see how long it took him to react. Sadly she didn't have her phone with her but....it did make for laughter and food for thought of how nice goes both ways, and you know food is not the only key to a man's heart. (Gee.....I haven't even been drinking and I seem free to blab here).
Try it. Try this especially if you have had some rocky roads and perhaps have a moment to breathe without contemplating his new apartment. Seize the moment. You might be amazed at the result.
Sorry if this was TMI.
I like that idea, Bikermom. Now would it be too cruel to *tease* my husband while we're on different continents? LOL Of course, and that much more fun. ;)
Several people have said this already in one way or another, but I'll throw in my 2 cents.
The grass may LOOK greener on the other side, but the best grass is the one you water.
Also, heard a great story one time.
A couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The lady's granddaughters all gathered around her and asked her what her secret was for a long lasting marriage. She told them that when she was first married, she decided that her husband would be allowed 10 faults. Faults that she would overlook and not hold against him. They tried to guess what she would have put on her list and when she just shook her head, they asked her to tell them what was on her list.
She said, Well, I never wrote it down, but anytime he would do something aggravating I would just think, well its a good thing that I already agreed to forgive him for that. :)
Texting across the ocean. Perhaps "I miss you" might be more helpful but hey! If the moment is right - go for it. This goes along with the watering the marriage observation doesn't it. :o) I think a lot of us get so wrapped up in family care we lose any sense of creativity and only care about what is not being done for us. Just saying. Good post for us to ponder our laziness and spite - eh? Come Lord Jesus!
I just find it comforting to know I am not alone in my sinful crying for a new/different/more exciting life. I love all of the reminders and encouragments that are offered here.
Thank you.
I have always told my husband that he is 99.99% perfect, and fortunately for him I came along to focus my considerable abilities on that last 0.01%.
Seriously, though, he is so awesome, that whenever I hear others talking, I just thank God for him.
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