Here's something that's been rattling around in my head for a while. I was talking to a mother of five with a wide age spread. She told me how she had to take an evenings-and-weekends job when their older children were in high school, and she thought it would be OK since they were older. It went very badly. She concluded her sad story by saying, "It turned out they needed me around at least as much then as they had when they were little. In some ways, they needed me more."
I really appreciated her being willing to tell me this.
12 comments:
I officiated at a funeral yesterday for a dear one in Christ. His oldest sibling was born in 1918; the youngest, 1941. That is a 23 year spread. Their mother was born in 1897 and died in 1990. Lutherans of years gone by, and some still today.
I would agree with this. My mom went back to work part time when I was in high school. I could have made my own snack and started on homework, but I appreciated my mom was there most days when I got home from school to listen to me. I hated the days when she had to drop me off at school early. At the time I often thought about how terrible it would have been if she would have always worked, not just gone back when I was in high school. My own experience taught me that my children will always need me, even if their needs are different after the diaper years.
It isn't possible (well, if we want a house to live in) for me to be at home right now, while my two are babies, and we have a fantastic couple to love on them while I work.
Our goal is to have me home before either of them start school. Most people are flabberghasted that we would even "bother" at that point, when most Mothers Of The World are deciding that their SAHM time is over.
My cousin and her husband made lots of sacrifices so she could stay home while the 2 kids were toddlers. Now she works a no-pressure job during school hours in order to pay their tuition. Her boss knows that when there is no school or a kid is sick, she's not coming in.
BUT. This doesn't work so well if you have kids over the span of 20-ish years.
I'm thinking I'll just get real good at selling toys and clothes on Ebay.
I remember from my treacherous middle and high school years that those couple of hours after school before the parents come home can be rather hazardous. Experience tells me that being present for these kids of mine is always going to be important.
I think you're spot on. My own mother went back to work at about the time most women do. I have no regrets about my own childhood and the choices my folks made. However, based on my own experience and feelings on the subject my husband and I agreed even before out first child was concieved that I would stay home for the duration and that we would make the adjustments (finacially) to make that happen. I wholly agree that our kids will need me just as much if not more in middle and high school.
The most joyous time I remember from my childhood was in 5th grade when my mother's employer moved to a different state. She was at home for a year or so. I loved it. She was home when I got home with a nice snack. She would take me out to breakfast sometimes before school. The house was always clean. She was happier. It was wonderful.
Yes, I'll let you in on the secret. Those early adolescent, teen age, and even young adult kids will need you in a way that is unfathomable when you're deep in babyhood. Because, as a serial child bearer, our kids span several decades; we decided early on that the after-school time slot would always, always mean a parent was at home when our kids arrived home from school. There aren't many things I've been able to do consistently, but I can tell you that in 20+ years of having someone in elementary-high school, there has always been, and is today, a parent available at home when the school day ends. I equate the after school hours and the carpool-to-sports hours as critical mass moments in rearing our kids. I don't mean to imply we're having daily group activities, family meetings, or even uplifting conversations - but I do mean that there is someone in this house who can do all those things and more if the need is present.
Our situation might be easier than some: my husband is a pastor, I have some flexibility in my profession, and we have an understanding congregation who accepted my husband's decision that he would be home when the kids got home from school if I was not home. The church could have him all day, and they'd likely have him from supper until ? But for those hours he belonged to the kids. Unless there is a funeral or other church emergency, there is consistency in our home when the school day ends.
The icing on the cake is that once you become the go-to parent for driving after school trips to ball games, practice, etc., you are then basically operating a confessional booth (with cup holders) on wheels - those kids will talk about anything and seem oblivious that I'm using my "outdoor ears" to make sure all is well in their world.
I had to go to work when my boys were 4 and 7 because their father wanted a divorce. (A whole other story I don't want to go into.) I hated it. Hated leaving them. It was especially hard on the 4 year old, who had gone through cancer treatment as a toddler and was really clingy. For me, it was almost worse by the time they were teenagers. We did OK, but I felt we all would have been much happier had I been there when they got home from school. My boys are grown now and one has a baby of his own,and they turned out OK. But I know in my heart they needed me at home with them. My DIL went back to work when my grandson was 4 mos. (he's nearly 6 mos.). With the tax refund they're getting, they'll pay off one more college loan and then she'll quit her (part time) job and stay home with Henry. They will come out about the same financially as now when they don't have to pay for daycare. And Henry will be a very lucky little boy.
MooreMama, I've mentioned here before that there is no end of stuff for school moms to do. I have to work hard not to be crabby about the fact that me being home means my time is called upon not only for the benefit of my own kids, but for those whose moms aren't home. :/
Anon, my parents did the same thing when I was in high school. My dad was a pastor and could be home when we got home, and he always was.
My dad's mom (well, really, all of our grandparents) has repeatedly mentioned to me how important it is for the kiddos to have mom (or dad) home, even through highschool. I've always appreciated the support we get from the older generations for our choices. Too many of our peers don't understand how we can live without extended cable, a second vehicle, etc, etc. I hope we can always tweak our budget so that I can continue to stay home!
I worked out of the home for a year and a half before the twins were born. It was really hard. It was not hard because the kids got sick and I had to take time off, because that did not happen much. BUT, the comments from others were bad.
You see, if you have more than 2.5 kids, most teachers think that any time your child does not get homework done it is not because of that child's sin nature. No, indeed, the child did not do the homework because mother has too many children and is too frazzled and busy. Add an out of the home job to the equation and the underhanded comments multiplied.
Sadly, most teachers don't seem to have more than two, maybe three kids. Oh, and their kids are "perfect".
*Can you tell that I just endured parent/teacher conferences?
Post a Comment