Concordian Sister (CS): Pregnant woman, early-30s, puking ad nauseam most days, but not just now.
Nurse: Perky woman, early-30s, prone to excessive blinking.
A small, fluorescently-lit room. No windows. One door. Room is furnished germane to a doctor’s examination room. CS sits on a worn chair reading a children’s magazine because she is not yet old enough to read the other magazine options. The Nurse enters carrying a stack of interview papers and a big smile.
Nurse: Hi mommy! How are we today?!?
Nurse: That’s terrific! And how is baby?!?
CS: Well, I was hoping you could tell me.
Nurse: HA HA HA! Of course we will. But first, let’s just go though a few questions for your file, OK?!?
Nurse: OK! Is this your first baby?
Nurse: . . . You’re second?
CS: No. This is my fifth pregnancy. Hopefully our fourth living child.
Cue primal drum beat. Nurse begins blinking rapidly in time with the drum.
Nurse: smiling largely. . . Wait . . . what?!
CS: Uh . . . this is my fifth . . .
Nurse: I heard you! Well, how many kids are you planning to have?
CS: I . . . um . . .
Nurse: waiting expectantly as drum beats/blinking grows more intense
CS: I . . . One more. For the rest of my life.
Nurse: smile grows larger as drum beats/blinking continue. Then: Of course. How nice. I have two children myself. And I used to think I wanted a big family, but . . .
The room grows dark as Nurse is spotlit in red. Her chair rises from the floor and whirls wildly as she says:
TWO IS ENOUGH BIRTH CONTROL FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
This continues until, you know, you get sick of it. The chair with its Nurse returns to its starting position, the drum beats/blinking die down, and everything resumes normalcy
CS: . . .
Nurse: . . .
CS: Wow . . . how . . . did you do that?
Nurse: Hydraulic lifts. Under the chair.
CS: . . .
Nurse: Well, shall we continue our interview?!?
CS: . . .
Nurse: Have you ever had tuberculosis?
Nurse: Pseudorabies virus?
The lights fade to black.
End of Play
And there you have it folks! If you like, feel free to use this little drama for your next youth-led worship service. You might want to add this alternate ending, just to jazz it up a bit:
CS and Nurse are silenced when they hear opening bars to song, ”Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Upon realizing what’s playing, they smile at one another, stand, clasp hands, and begin soft-shoeing their way across the stage. This continues until, you know, you’re sick of it.
*please see Rebekah’s awesome post for helpful insights into this title.