20 September 2008

Oink*

Characters:


Concordian Sister (CS): Pregnant woman, early-30s, puking ad nauseam most days, but not just now.

Nurse: Perky woman, early-30s, prone to excessive blinking.


A small, fluorescently-lit room. No windows. One door. Room is furnished germane to a doctor’s examination room. CS sits on a worn chair reading a children’s magazine because she is not yet old enough to read the other magazine options. The Nurse enters carrying a stack of interview papers and a big smile.


Nurse: Hi mommy! How are we today?!?

CS: Fine.

Nurse: That’s terrific! And how is baby?!?

CS: Well, I was hoping you could tell me.

Nurse: HA HA HA! Of course we will. But first, let’s just go though a few questions for your file, OK?!?

CS: Sure.

Nurse: OK! Is this your first baby?

CS: No.

Nurse: . . . You’re second?

CS: No. This is my fifth pregnancy. Hopefully our fourth living child.


Cue primal drum beat. Nurse begins blinking rapidly in time with the drum.


Nurse: smiling largely. . . Wait . . . what?!

CS: Uh . . . this is my fifth . . .

Nurse: I heard you! Well, how many kids are you planning to have?

CS: I . . . um . . .

Nurse: waiting expectantly as drum beats/blinking grows more intense

CS: I . . . One more. For the rest of my life.

Nurse: smile grows larger as drum beats/blinking continue. Then: Of course. How nice. I have two children myself. And I used to think I wanted a big family, but . . .


The room grows dark as Nurse is spotlit in red. Her chair rises from the floor and whirls wildly as she says:


TWO IS ENOUGH BIRTH CONTROL FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


This continues until, you know, you get sick of it. The chair with its Nurse returns to its starting position, the drum beats/blinking die down, and everything resumes normalcy


CS: . . .

Nurse: . . .

CS: Wow . . . how . . . did you do that?

Nurse: Hydraulic lifts. Under the chair.

CS: . . .

Nurse: Well, shall we continue our interview?!?

CS: . . .

Nurse: Have you ever had tuberculosis?

CS: No.

Nurse: Leprosy?

CS: No.

Nurse: Pseudorabies virus?

CS: sighs


The lights fade to black.

End of Play


And there you have it folks! If you like, feel free to use this little drama for your next youth-led worship service. You might want to add this alternate ending, just to jazz it up a bit:


CS and Nurse are silenced when they hear opening bars to song, ”Jesus Loves the Little Children.” Upon realizing what’s playing, they smile at one another, stand, clasp hands, and begin soft-shoeing their way across the stage. This continues until, you know, you’re sick of it.


*please see Rebekah’s awesome post for helpful insights into this title.

7 comments:

Rebekah said...

1. LOL

2. Brava!

3. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! This place just hasn't felt right without one of those bubble babies since Ablaze! contact #10.

Pr. H. R. said...

The flutes are really getting out of control...

+HRC

MooreMama said...

Fabulous play! but, per the comments section of the referred-to post, shouldn't the title be "Moo"?

And congratulations and feverish prayers to/for you and fam.

Kelly said...

Congratulations!! Prayers for a happy and healthy mom and baby.

Reb. Mary said...

She's back, and she's funnier than ever!

Although this Gauntlet is still but a wee thing, I can tell that the world is already a better place :)

But: Why, oh why, do people think they're being so clever and original with the "two is enough birth control for me" line?

Pr. H. R. said...

Plus, the line doesn't even make sense. It appears to be a corruption of the following well-known joke:

"What do trumpet players use for birth control?"

"Their personalities."

That makes sense - but when used as the rotating nurse did, it just doesn't. It's just objectively not funny - unless by it she means she and her husband no longer have marital relations.

Then it's just sad.

+HRC

Christine said...

It is greatly annoying when people unthinkingly spit out trite phrases that make no sense with the least bit of examination.

I suppose that what this woman meant was that her children were such monsters that, whenever she started to get the "baby bug", all she had to do was look at her horrible children and that would be enough motivation to use 3 kinds of birth control. Sad, really.

Then there's always the automatic "Don't they know what causes that?" that some people spit out in a Pavlovian manner whenever they see a large family. The underlying implication is that couples who have many children are such ignoramuses that they have no idea how these babies keep popping out and they need some wise soul to come along and gently explain to them the mechanics.

Again, greatly annoying.

Best wishes to you, Gauntlets, and your growing little one.