OK, this is pathetic and small, but the ongoing existence of this blog testifies to my belief that it's a good idea to keep telling the world how pathetic and small I am (yesterday's post notwithstanding).
Nothing makes me more sad and jealous than hearing some other mother praised in the gates, especially by the proud husband and the proud parents, for her work-related accomplishments. That's a bonus I just can't earn.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
15 comments:
Yes; always.
Just last night I was raging against the machine that brought me to this place, far, far away from a respectable life and house and job and wardrobe. I'm so overcome by human fluids to the right of me, human hunger to the left of me, human need all around me, that I couldn't scrape together even an Etsy shop, if I wanted. And thus do I fade into obscurity at every social event, to such an extent that I think it prudent to swear off social eventing forever. What face I have left simply must be saved.
Terrible.
I find myself hating even my own blog as it testifies to my own smallness and stupidity. And I find myself oddly loving my isolation for the first time in two years as there's no one here to watch me and I can just be a poop and spit up covered loser. But my kids told me I was the best merry go round pusher ever this morning. go me.
Not even an Etsy shop, ha!
Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
It's just that I have a really great idea for an Etsy shop. :D
I am so overwhelmed by all those same needs that I can blarely scrape together dinner. And let's not mention the poor, neglected dog. Social eventing was never my forte to begin with. Anyone wanna keep me company at the next one?
As someone who has both been a SAHM and a WAHM off and on at various times in my parenting life, I have felt this same way.
But the grass is always greener, yada, yada...
As a current WAHM I remember longingly the times when I could sit on the couch for a long chunk of time reading library books to the girls. Or spend time planning out some nice meals for the week rather than flying by the seat of my frying pan like I do now.
Of course I'm not remembering the hard parts... my memory is rosy.
I do think that we mamas tend to compare ourselves unfavorably to others no matter what situation we find ourselves in.
It's important to remember that we all struggle. Other people's lives often look shiny and happy. But it's almost never real.
Sometimes I think that real Joy, that elusive state that is so sought after, is neither shiny nor necessarily happy.
Sometimes I think that real Joy, that elusive state that is so sought after, is neither shiny nor necessarily happy.<<
Bingo. Marked difference between earthly happiness (which generally boils down to mammon) and eternal joy. I am admittedly dull and not shiny. But I'm real. :D
This is just a grass is greener thing.
When I was working and had accomplishments, they weren't particularly satisfying, despite the praise of others and the $$$. Praise and $$$ seduce so many. I consider my greatest accomplishment to be having the guts to quit and stay home with my kids. No one needs to tell me I did a great thing by quitting, I know it all on my own and value my own opinion more than I do theirs. Heck, they probably don't even believe what they are saying. They are just repeating the esprit du temps. It's all vanity, ladies. They day I left work, I was replaced by another cog and never missed. The days I was at work I was missed every minute by the people I love more than any others.
>>I consider my greatest accomplishment to be having the guts to quit and stay home with my kids. <<
Yup. When my broker paid for me to go to a Stephen Covey training, he didn't know that I would truly decide to put "First things first. " :)
Jane, you know I want to be you when I grow up, right?
Anon, I know you're right. For me it's about words of affirmation rather than the substance of the discrepancy. I really need people to tell me I'm great all the time so I get jealous when other people get told they're great about something I'm not even eligible for. So lame (me, I mean).
Rebekah, I have been thinking about this post for a while. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm abnormal. I have a degree and if I were to spend a couple of years on my M.A., I could be making 90K+ per year as a speech pathologist which is my dream job, I guess. I just don't spend that much time dreaming about it though. I'd also love to be a lactation consultant and I have even looked into what it would take to become credentialed. But, we are hoping to add at least one more to our two. So, I'm in it for at least another 19+ years. AND I'm fine with that.
I guess it's all because my mom was very career minded while I was growing up (and still is). She would tell you that she was super mom and balanced it all pretty well. That might even be believable to someone on the outside looking in at the time. However, I felt very neglected as a child. I didn't know the word for it then, but I knew I didn't like the feeling. I distinctly remember laying on the hall carpet in front of the bathroom begging my mother to stop getting ready for work. I hate VBS to this day because I was responsible for figuring out how to beg a ride to get myself and my brothers to and from in the days when everyone we knew drove a sedan that seated five. I never, ever want my kids to feel the way I felt, so if my staying home serves to avoid that, I'm more than satisfied.
My husband brags that I'm there for him and his kids and our home. (I bet your husband does too.) I fail miserably at my job as wife and mother every day. But my husband loves me and my kids love me and that's the best I could ever ask for.
I think you're a brilliant writer and your blog serves to encourage other women, not to prove how pathetic and small you are. Please keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Susan
Rock on, Susan!
And Rebekah, you and the other CSPPers are heroines to all of us--many, many of us--pathetic and small SAHMs out in the real world. If I could stand on your church steps and sing your praises while you juggle your five wonders (and wait for your sixth) and you could actually hear and appreciate the praise, I would. Consider this the next best thing.
I agree with Susan.
The best time of my childhood was the part of my 5th grade year that my mother was between jobs. . . a SAHM. When I think of childhood happiness, that is the time I think of--and believe me, I was an awkward kid at school and social things, so that part wasn't what made it happy. It was simply that my mother was there. I hope I can always provide that happiness to my own children.
Thanks, girls, she said sheepishly.
:)
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