23 June 2010

Take your medicine.

A very, very grumbly post. Please don't let me ruin your day.

Along with its desirable effects, Perpetual Parturition may cause some unwanted effects. Although not all of these side effects may occur, if they do occur, too bad, sucker.

Side effects: Nausea, vomiting, indigestion, irritability, constipation, dizziness, increased appetite, confusion, nervousness, increased salivation, stuffy nose, sleeplessness, abnormal dreams, puffiness, stiffness, swelling, muscle cramps, weakness, decreased coordination, shortness of breath, itching, rash, loosening of skin, lower back pain, excessive gas, belching, shivering, sweating, headache, and pain. More severe side effects include persistent ringing in the ears, feelings of hostility, feelings of anxiety, unusual mood changes, and hallucination.

If Perpetual Parturition were a drug, your doctor might be able to alter your dosages or prescribe a related substance with fewer side effects. As it is, you're going to have to pretend that everything that's happening to you is just wonderful. Don't dare complain. Don't seek help. There's nothing wrong with you. You're glowing, see? You're enjoying this fine experience, get it? You love everything about it. Awesome.

Note to self: Yes it’s hard. Yes it’s sad. Yes, you deserve it. What you don’t deserve is a baby at the end of your dosage schedule, but, by the grace of God, a baby is what you will get. Stop being afraid. Wait and pray. Then, drink a mimosa while you still can and submit to that foot rub your long-suffering husband is inexplicably willing to give you. Everything’s going to be alright.

Carry on.

7 comments:

Untamed Shrew said...

Don't forget hemorrhoids. And thick red stretch marks that never go away. Permanent weight gain. Hair growth in inappropriate places....

You're right. Better to just carry on.

Cheryl said...

Totally off topic, but sorta cool. I'm getting to know each of your writing styles well enough that I knew from the first sentence (which showed up in the preview on my blog's sidebar) that this post was written by Gauntlets.

MooreMama said...

Shrew. Shoosh. I almost forgot about those.

lisa said...

"Then, drink a mimosa while you still can"

Never truer words spoken :)

Melrose said...

gulp

Gauntlets said...

Cheryl: This skill you've developed will no doubt help you immensely as you navigate the ever deepening morass. :D I just looked over at the archive and realized that the CSPP have been at this blogging business for going on three years. I think you've been our friend all that time. For this, we offer you our most energetic thanks. :) THANKS FOR BEING OUR FRIEND, CHERYL! YOU ROCK!

Cheryl said...

Aw, I'm flattered. It has been my pleasure to be in the CSPP fan club lo, these three years. And while I may rock, that is nothing compared to you three ladies, who don't merely rock but who rock CRAZY STYLE!

(That last phrase, stolen from a young friend of mine, is thrown in to show you how cool and cutting edge I am. Did it work?)