13 February 2010

Donate today!

The Clemency Coalition

Influencing likabililty, whether you like it or not.

The Clemency Coalition exists to hunt down the undersocialized to release them from social poverty. We support the rights of every child to be shaped, if not controlled, by a group of his or her peers. The Clemency Coalition especially targets homeschoolers.

The Clemency Coalition is dedicated to working to protect the undersocialized from THAT OUTFIT. Our members and staff maintain and model the most recent fashions, voice inflections, bravado, and underwear. We are cool. We are outgoing. We are the friends of every undersocialized kid everywhere.

With the help of people like you, The Clemency Coalition has saved dozens of homeschoolers from a life of hanging only with their siblings. Won’t you sponsor an undersocialized kid today?

An undersocialized girl, before and after

When you contribute to The Clemency Coalition, your dollars are purposed toward building friendships between the undersocialized and members of normal society. Once sponsored, your undersocialized child is given . . .

  • a complete makeover, including the most currently fashionable hairstyle, clothes, and shoes;
  • one or more subscriptions to normal, necessary magazines, insuring that he or she will learn information vital to scoring dates;
  • the tools he or she needs to Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and YouTube his or her way into the hearts of normal people.

Most effectively, your undersocialized child is connected to a local, normally-socialized peer, who is then paid very well to include your child in social activities and to be your child’s BFF, if not his or her date to the big dance.

Cost of sponsorship changes every day; contact us at our home office to learn more. And remember: the sooner you cut that check, the sooner The Clemency Coalition can get to work purging the world of weird.

For the children, folks. Seriously.

7 comments:

Rebekah said...

Please select a child for me from your "Most Urgent Need" list.

Melrose said...

Gauntlets, I nominate you for the author of my new book. See blog.

The Mama said...

LOL.

Anonymous said...

YES! Help that DULL become a BRIGHT! Contribute now!

http://article.nationalreview.com/357820/the-loser-letters/mary-eberstadt?page=1

Gauntlets said...

Every member of the Gauntlet tribe is currently employed in Dorky Activity and dressed in THAT OUTFIT. I'd say we're tops of the Urgent Need list.

Melrose: I have a post in my heart on that very topic. One of these days, I'll bleed it all over the Internets, just for you. :D

MooreMama said...

Depending on how you answer my Question, there may or may not be a check in the mail very soon.

Does the Clemency Coalition support the practices of straightening naturally curly hair, lightening dark hair, and/or replacing glasses with (oh, so NOT wierd) contact lenses?

Just checking.

Reb. Mary said...

I'd ask where my kids can get an Urgent Need application, but they're too busy scheming to convince me that camouflage--particularly camo garments that haven't been washed for an undiscernible interval (that being part of the beauty of camo)--goes with everything.