08 November 2009

Fearfully and Wonderfully

God has presented us with the imponderable: a child who would not exist if his slightly older sibling had survived. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about being pregnant again. Have we forgotten the little one we lost? Is this child, who occupies the space that would still have been his sibling’s, some sort of replacement? Any mother knows how foolish those questions are—and yet I inarticulately feared that carrying another child “too soon” would somehow lessen the worth of the one we lost. Alternately, I yearned to be pregnant again (by no means a usual state of mind for me), and then felt vaguely guilty for hoping to find healing through another pregnancy.

God in His mercy, in His time, has fearfully, wondrously consoled us with this gift. Even as we long to live in the presence of the Lord with all our children, we look forward, God willing, to the tender awe of holding a squalling new baby in our arms on this groaning old earth.

Amid our joy, my heart aches anew for those who have lost a child and whose wombs and arms are yet empty. May our Lord hear the cries of the brokenhearted and answer according to His infinite wisdom and compassion.


Rebekah said...

Fearful and wonderful indeed, friend.

Untamed Shrew said...

I was the same way. We lost our 3rd in August, and I was pregnant in February or possibly January. My due date for the 3rd came and went, the 4th grew, and somehow the horrific gaping wound I'd carried scarred over. I still hurt, and the idiot in me shakes my fist at God and says, "Give me back my baby!", but I guess I hurt less. Or trust more. Or am just too busy chasing the baby to let it consume me every hour. I don't know.


Gauntlets said...

I like you.

And, yes. Yes, that's it exactly.

Dakotapam said...

I was the same way as well. We lost a baby in February of 1998, and were blessed with our chubby William in May of 1999. Although I still long to know the soul we lost, we rejoice in William's quirky exuberance. He is so different in so many ways to the other children in the family, that we just rejoice in the blessing that he is to us!

I used to think that the baby we lost was the girl we would never get to know, and now, as I stare at the little pink rompers and dresses beginning to line up in the nursery closet, I am reminded the God really does hear our prayers, even when his answer is "wait".

Congratulations. I pray for a healthy and uneventful pregnancy for you!

Melrose said...

My oldest sister lost a baby and the very next month conceived twins...it was very surreal and strange for her.

Congratulations dear mama and may your little one get through pregnancy healthy and strong and be brought swiftly to the waters of Holy Baptism while your greatly missed child rests sweetly in the very arms of Christ.

lisa said...

Congratulations Reb. Mary & Co. My sentiments are the same as Melrose's.

Marie said...

Thanks for bringing this up... while I haven't experienced this myself, it has crossed my mind with friends who have lost babies, but I've been afraid to mention it.

MooreMama said...

We lost one baby in September 07 and concieved our sweetest Callie in late December 07. Her due date was 2 days before the one year anniversary of the loss of her brother.
It's another club, friend. A bit less sad than the other, but the paths aren't marked any more clearly.

Reb. Mary said...

Hello all, and thanks :)

MM: Unmarked paths. Yes. One can wander quite a bit along the way, no? And Marie, that's probably why people are sometimes afraid to talk to women who've miscarried: we're so darn unpredictable :P But sometimes a gentle question can be just the opening she needs to work through some stuff.

Dakotapam, looks like you got your prayers answered with interest for the wait :) We're all looking forward to the chronicles of your double pink after so much blue!

Shrew, I know it's a cliche but I've also found it to be true: the busy-ness of keeping up with my older children, and now of looking forward to another, help with the grief. I can't think how the dark hours would drag, if it had been my first that I lost. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Kelly said...


EKGaunt said...

Rejoicing with you!