20 July 2009

And now for something completely different

On the Vanguard, a play in 26 lines.


Gauntlets -- a 32-year-old mother of four, dressed in camouflage (which hides the poop marks), in pretty good mood, all things considered.

College Guy -- probably somewhere around 20 years old, dressed in pink button-up shirt, no tie, dress slacks, and terribly confused about his place in the universe

The scene opens on a normal afternoon in the Gauntlet household--kids running pell-mell without any real or perceived cause, Mom on couch feeding baby--when the relative peace is disturbed by a confident
knock knock on the door. And:

Gauntlets (G): opening door, babe on hip. Yes?

College Guy (CG): smiling widely. Are you the lady of the house?

G: kids begin crowding around legs. That's right.

CG: Ha! You seem to have a lot of kids!

G: So call it?

CG: Ha! Well, you see ma'am. hands over a flier. I'm with Kirby Vacuum Sales. We're touring your neighborhood today, offering free carpet cleaning! And, the good news for me is that for every carpet I clean, I get $20 toward my college education!

G: . . .

CG: continues smiling.

G: So?

CG: smile falters a bit. Well! So, you just give me the word and I'll clean any carpet in your home, absolutely free! eyes the baby. I'm sure you have a carpet with a few stains on it! Ha!

G: closing door. That's awfully nice of you, but no. Thank you.

CG: catches door and holds it open. Wait! Ha! Before you have all your kids beat me up, let me mention a few things about our great product!

G: tightening grip on door handle. Actually, you were here last year. So, we've been through this already.

CG: smiling at half mast. Oh. Well then you know how great our product is! Surely, you'd like it if someone else cleaned your carpet, just this once?

pulling at door. No. I really wouldn't. Thank you, anyway.

CG: pulling back at door. Look, our boss man is right over there in that purple van. See him? He says we can't go home until we've worked an hour or cleaned a carpet. Can I just come in and clean that front hallway there?

G: pulling harder at door. No.

CG: begging. Can't I clean anything?

G: getting amused. There's that door mat right there. You might bang it up against the side of the house or something.

CG: not amused. It has to be a carpet.

G: wresting door away. Well, then, I don't think I can help you.

CG: with a hint of sneer. . . . I'll take back my flier.

G: handing flier over. Wow, dude. Tough job, you know?

CG: desperate. It wouldn't be tough if you would just let me in your house!

G: . . . Well. Um. Goodbye, then.

CG: slumps away.

The end.

So, look out America. The Kirby sales guy drives a purple van and apparently has some sort of horrible control over his serfs, making them desperate and powerfully confused. If he sends one to your house, I strongly suggest not opening the door to begin with. The one I encountered was strong.


Dan @ Necessary Roughness said...

Nice one.

"CG: Ha! Well, you see ma'am. hands over a flier. I'm with Kirby Vacuum Sales. We're touring your neighborhood today, offering free carpet cleaning! And, the good news for me is that for every carpet I clean, I get $20 toward my college education!"

I would have been like, "Gee, got my own college educations to fund! Thanks, see ya!" :)

Way to resist.

Melrose said...

wow, I dont know if I would have been anywhere near as calm as you were with someone so stubborn. *thumbs up*

Joy said...

We once had a door-to-door vacuum lady come to our place. She cleaned this and that and presented much hard evidence as to teh worthlessness of our vacuum. When we refused to buy her product--repeatedly, and even after she came down $3100, she cried tears as she slowly sanitized each piece and put it away.

Awk. Ward.

Rebekah said...

That guy was lucky you weren't packing at the moment.

Pr. H. R. said...

There should never be a moment when you are not packing.


Gauntlets said...

Who's to say I wasn't? ;D

He was wearing pink, guys. The poor thing. It's like hitting a guy wearing glasses, you know?

PS -- please note that my criticism of pink menswear in no way insinuates that those men who wear pink menswear are unChristian or unBiblical. I just don't really like pink.

lisa said...

Yeh - where was your laser?

Pam said...

Gauntlets, you rock.

And I don't like pink, either. ;o)

Dakotapam said...

Joy, don't worry...even my cheap-o Target vacuum pulls up embarrassing amounts of yuck from our TWO carpets each week...the shag in the living room still gives up Rat terrier fur from the previous owners. Really, I don't think I'd want to see the "filth" that would come up from an expensive model. Dirt is dirt.

Once a man came to the parsonage door and asked if my father was home. I told him no and slammed the door. Seriously, I had four kids...I did not and do not look THAT young.

April Marie said...

HAHAHA Oh Dawn, this brightened my day. :)