08 October 2008

More ground rules

5. Do not feed my kids.

6. DO NOT FEED MY KIDS ANYTHING.

7. Even that! Especially that!

8. Yes, I'm mean.

9. If you think you must feed my kid something, ASK ME FIRST.

Still confused? Allow me to explain. Some kids are picky. Mine are not. They will eat anything. They will eat everything. They will eat themselves sick. They will eat if their bellies already hurt. They will eat themselves explosive. Only one of them is beginning to develop an off switch. And the baby is a BABY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD DO NOT FEED HIM ANYTHING!!!!

(And although I cite non-pickiness as the reason my children must not be fed by anyone but me, I would guess that parents of picky children don't want you squandering their kids' limited willingness to participate in consumptive life on whatever schwat it amuses you to stuff into them.)

Furthermore. We have a house rule about treats and vegetables. So don't give my kid a treat if she hasn't met the requirements for it. I don't undermine your attempts at good parenting when your back is turned. Also, I'm sorry if you don't consider the treats we have around here treat-worthy. Feel free to eat all the treats you like at your own house. Please note that my children are quite happy and sturdily constructed without having Tootsie Rolls crammed down their gullets all day.

If you still don't get it, ask yourself, do I want someone feeding my precious Fluffy the chocolate bars and pork rinds she so enjoys when I love her too much to give her anything other than her Iams® Veterinary Formulas Weight Control D - Optimum Weight Control™?

Precious Fluffy

By the way: many kids have allergies, so you should never feed someone else's kid anything anyway.

Finally. If you feed my kid something messy behind my back and I'm still trying to get the stain out of what was a perfectly good article of clothing, please know that I am thinking mean thoughts about you every time I go at it with yet another stain remover.

11 comments:

Jane said...

Flashback to 1992:

Yes, please feed my lactose-intolerant little sweet-tooth glutton ice cream. I enjoy having him up all night crying, and wheezing, with a vicious tummy ache, followed by two days of exploding diapers.

Mossback Meadow said...

There is a special place in Heaven
(?) for those relatives who spoon Cool Whip into the mouth of your breastfeed 6-week old. : /

Gauntlets said...

Cool Whip?!? Oh my.

PS - Precious fluffy may be edible. Let me check my books. ;)

MooreMama said...

oh, my, oh, my. I'm never letting my sweet baby out of my reach. Can I sling her forever?

Liz said...

May I add an amendment to your rules? Do not comment about how I don't feed my baby anything but breastmilk. I don't care if such and such a baby was ready for rice cereal at 8 days.

Joy said...

Oooh! That one gets me too. My MIL brags about giving my husband cereal in his formula at two weeks because it helped him sleep through the night. I said, "I'll bet it did! When you give a baby something they can't digest, it doesn't leave their stomach and they don't get hungry again when they should." I hope she realized she was only serving herself, not her son.

Reb. Mary said...

Ha! You stole one of my mental drafts: "Please do not feed the wildlife."

What is it with Coolwhip (and what IS Coolwhip)? I still shudder to think that BoyTwo's first taste of "solids" at 4 months was a spoonfull of Coolwhip-topped Jello, administered at a church picnic by a person I foolishly trusted to have better sense. Don't think she thinks quite the same about me anymore either, what with how I swooped screaming upon her, knocking the sinister spoon from her hand....well maybe not quite. But close.

MooreMama, absolutely keep her in that sling as long as you can! We're surrounded by well-meaning (?) ignoramuses who are covered in germs and armed with CoolWhip :)

MooreMama said...

I'm doing my best to teach my family and those around me that CoolWhip is NOT a necessary evil - what with it being so easy to whip your own heavy cream with just a touch of vanilla and (probably) much less sugar and/or preservatives. And, I should add, while I love it, I only make it for special occaisions and am not yet ready for it to be a part of my daughter's diet... but, now that I think about it, if it DOES turn out to be necessary, I wonder if I should suggest skimming my own breastmilk and whipping it up for her... ;)
Is that an appropiate response? We do have that Ladies' High Tea at church tomorrow... there's bound to be a well meaning lady or two armed with Cool Whip topped jello there...

Pam said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish I had had like minds such as yours to tell me I wasn't nuts for feeling the way you all have described, back when I was starting out on this roller-coaster! At least I have been villified now. Aaaahhhh.

Oh, but on the other hand I have also learned that no, these folks (many of them anyway) really DON'T get it, and really DON'T mean to offend.

And unfortunately for us, there also seems to be no end to them....

Oh, yeah, the sling or infant carrier? I too have used these as a defense with HUGE success! People actually have to ASK to get closer. And if it encourages you to know-- it seems the more I have had, the more distracted people are by their shock of seeing our sheer number, they barely notice the baby. Yesssss!

Sir Cuthbert said...

1. I promise never to feed other people's children ANYTHING without permission.

2. Ingredients of Cool Whip: water, corn syrup and high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated coconut and palm kernel oil, sodium caseinate, vanilla extract, xanthan and guar gums, polysorbate 60 (glycosperse), and beta carotene.

MooreMama said...

High Tea update: Fabulous Church Ladies were more than willing to hold Girl Baby, but no Cool Whip in sight, and no unwanted feeding of the baby, no sling necessary this time.

In fact, in a seperate, but slightly related topic, nursing her "out here in the Fellowship Hall - Don't you dare take that baby in the other room" (IE under a blanket, thanks, but I'm still clinging to a shred of modesty) was encouraged, to my pleasant surprise.