10 January 2013

Chewing gum: a cautionary tale

I am not a germophobe, but I do have some borderline phobic issues with public restrooms. I know, I know: statistically speaking, a kitchen is waaaay germier than a bathroom, and an average toilet seat has fewer germs than the average light switch, door knob, phone, etc. That’s the thing about a phobia, isn’t it? We’re not talking rationality here.

Now, no mother who ever leaves the house with her young children can survive their childhood if she has a public restroom phobia. Any kind of bathroom phobia, in fact, is just another of the luxuries that mothers discover they must do without. So I’ve developed coping mechanisms, and I’ve been getting along fine, thanks in part to the fact that if ever Dad’s along on an outing, bathroom duty is all his. Quality male bonding: he lines up the troops, reviews the lecture (no touching anything, no looking under stalls, no asking any questions about anything you see or hear or read until you are all out of the restroom again…), and marches them all in and out.

Until recently, that is, when I entered a new stage of motherhood, enough to make a person phobic all over again: taking a toddler girl to use public restrooms. No such thing as a non-sitting visit. Oy. So. Again, I needed to find ways to cope, and hopefully to appear nonchalant enough not to phobicize my dear daughter, who will doubtless have enough other issues of her own as a consequence of being raised by me ;P. On our post-Christmas road trip, I shored up my mental health by taking along some of those disposable toilet seat covers, the ones that are specifically designed to cover all surfaces of the seat that little hands can’t seem to keep from grabbing. And all things considered, those gas station bathroom stops (*shudder*) went pretty well. (Uh, except for that little incident with the automatic flusher, but we got through it.)

All this is mere preamble to what is possibly the most horrific public restroom story I have ever heard, which came to me secondhand, but with horror all undiminished: A mother was supervising her young daughter’s bathroom visit. The girl was chewing gum, which dropped out of her mouth and down onto that middle place of the toilet seat. Before the mother could react, the girl picked up the gum and popped it back into her mouth.  (Can you hear the screaming in my head? Can you?!)

From the time of hearing that story and forevermore: never, never, ever shall a tender-yeared child of mine be found chewing gum in a public restroom.

11 comments:

Untamed Shrew said...

"If ever Dad's along on an outing, bathroom duty is all his."

Having 3 daughters (two who must be accompanied to the restroom) and 2 boys still in diapers, I am eager for 2015.

Yes. Automatic flusher trauma here as well.

Leah said...

I hear ya. :P

Sarah Osbun said...

After watching me carefully put toilet paper all over the seats of public toilets, my little girl now tries to put toilet paper on her potty chair.

She also likes to tell me exactly what everybody else in the restroom is doing.

Kristi said...

I can SOOOOO sympathize with you!!!! After twin boys who can STAND to pee and I have moderate to severe public bathroom phobia! (my husband says I'm becoming Howard Hughes) Then having a GIRL to bring to the bathroom, my GOODNESS! THAT makes me want to rethink having another, THAT'S how bad mine is, LOLOLOL!
My sister bought me a "potty" you keep in the car, with little disposable bags...... I have used this when the bathroom is just to disgusting! I highly suggest it!! LOL ;)
Kristi

Kristi said...

WAIT WAIT, "I" did not use this but my 4 yr old has, LOLOLOL! I was thinking OH NO they will think I used it!! LOL ;)

Mary P said...

I can only shudder. I can't think of a good enough comment. I'm still working on my first home potty training but this post has given me a whole new "gross thing" to think about for the future! Thank you :-O

Melrose said...

You want horrific? How about riding along with your pastor husband to a hospital visit 2 1/2 hrs away with your two toddler/preschool kids and your newborn. You get to the hospital and decided to wait in the lobby so you can nurse the baby and then get city shopping done w/ husband. You then realize you need to go potty as does the preschooler. You go in and try to help the preschooler climb up on the potty while juggling the baby because there's no sibling big enough to hold the baby and the preschooler is too little to pee standing up. You get the preschooler off and tell him to stand by the sink with his hands in front of him waiting for you to come wash him up while you go to pee while holding the baby. You finish your business and turn to flush the toilet-with your shoe so you don't have to touch the handle and because at this point your arm hurts so much that you can't even bear to lean over to rip more toilet paper off to flush with-when suddenly your shoe FALLS INTO THE TOILET.

yes, true story. yes, I now only flush with toilet paper and not my shoe.

Reb. Mary said...

:D and :O and :P, y'all!

There's just nothing like a good bathroom horror story.

Someday, all this will *just* be funny, I'm sure...at least we can already laugh just a little...

Cathy said...

I'm late to the potty party...and I know it's irrational, but I always think that middle spot where there's no seat is the grossest place in the world. I had one child--out of eleven, mind you--who had a phobia about public restrooms. I would take her all the way across a store or mall, only for her to freeze up the minute we walked in the door. She just couldn't do it. Your warning about the gum is gratefully noted.

Leah said...

My son overheard us talking about this story a few days ago. Haven't mentioned it since. Yesterday, I offered him a piece of gum. He took it, then realized he had to go to the bathroom. His eyes grew wide as he said, "What will happen to my gum? Will it fall in the toilet?"

Marie M said...

Melrose- I thought you were going to end your story with your baby falling into the public toilet. I was disappointed sorely that it was only your shoe=) Reb. Mary- Such a funny funny post! You made my bad-Day!